“Children need encouragement, just like plants need water.”
-R. Dreikurs
We have spent quite some weeks at home by now and we are trying to find the right combination of homeschooling our children and doing our own work. These are intensive weeks and spending so much time together at home can have different effects on us. For certain families it might have brought more balance and together time while for other families it might give a lot of irritation spending so much time together in one house. My two sons (14 and 11 years old) are enjoying the homeschooling, while my daughter (8 years old) really wants to be at school with her friends. The days are boring for her and she does not enjoy having to do her schoolwork independently behind a computer. For this reason, she is asking a lot of attention, creating the tendency for me to become snappy at her, and for us to end up in a downward spiral, creating negativity and frustration. It makes me think of the comment that Alfred Adler made: “Children do better when they feel better”. My daughter needs a lot of encouragement to get her schoolwork done.
Encouragement is one of the most important skills that parents can learn. As the Austrian psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs said: “A difficult child is a discouraged child.” When keeping this comment in mind, you could conclude that encouragement can be the solution to many challenging behaviors. By giving a child enough encouragement, its need to be seen will be fulfilled and the challenging behavior will diminish. As Positive Discipline says: “Encouragement creates the opportunity for children to realize: I can do this, I can contribute, and I have influence on what happens to me or on how I react.” Is creates the valuable feeling for a child to be significant and to belong. How do you encourage a child during this lockdown?
Give a spontaneous hug
Give encouragement: “You are really working hard!” or “You are really trying to work independently; well done!”
Take a 15-minute break together and play outside or do some stretching or have some cuddling time on the couch together.
It isn’t always easy to be encouraging towards your children. We have our own emotions and red button that triggers us once in a while. When this happens, we have the tendency to react to the negative behavior which will then pull us into the downward spiral. When you notice this is happening, try to walk away and take a moment for yourself to calm down. This will help you to approach the situation calmly and constructively so that, if necessary, you can then try to find a solution together.
Would you like to learn more about how to be encouraging towards your children, sign up for my parenting class ‘Effective and Connective Parenting with Positive Discipline’. You will learn many tools and different ways to be encouraging and you will get the chance to practice these in a small group setting before trying it at home. Please send me an email to find out when the next online parenting class will start.